My Buddhism has been somewhat muddy and frayed at times in recent days, though quite operative. Reasons for any mud:
- I got four more Buddhism books. The four arrived in the same day. So I went from having one book to having five books, from a total of three different authors. And thus, more personalities, varied affect, rhythm, etc, among the different authors, more to assimilate or not assimilate, and thus inevitably some run-off and sense of complication.
- I stopped being a patient after a period of a couple months where I was more like a patient, seeing my therapist every week instead of the usual once every two weeks, and seeing psychiatrist more often. But now I’m back to once every two weeks in therapy and not seeing my psychiatrist until August. So I’ve lost my patient status. I’m again just a person.
- I have talked to more people about Buddhism, so there’s a sense of complication from that.
- I’ve learned more about the biographies of some of these teachers, including the the controversies, failings, addictions, etc.
- I used a timer for meditation for the first time, and used a timer a few times since then. This has the perhaps undesirable effect of making one think in terms of getting through the meditation. I had more thoughts of what I would do after meditation.
Yesterday in meditation I was short of breath and too warm. The air seemed a little too humid to breathe, though it wasn’t actually very humid. I wasn’t otherwise uncomfortable. Today I had the same shortness of breath and also the excessive warmth, but neither as pronounced as yesterday. After meditating today I had anxiety in my forearms, though nowhere else.
Back to un-timed for a few days.